Pt. 1 – “Those” Toy Collecting Motherfuckers

Have you met any of these motherfuckers? Have you met any I have forgotten to mention? I have spared a few for the time being - but do not fear, every motherfucker shall be accounted for. There are no limits to the hate that flows within me, and I shall keep steady in my duty to call each of you fucks out that lurk in the world of collecting and toy shows...But for now, in my return to the crazy interwebshits blogging world, behold what fucking mongrels I have found in my adventures:

****I WOULD LIKE TO APOLOGIZE IN ADVANCE FOR THE PROFANE CONTENT!!!! It REALLY doesn't do justice to the mental calamity caused by these absolutely horrible human beings, and should be MUCH worse.****

 

Motherfucker #1 - You're that dickbag that emails me with no rhyme or reason. "HoWM ucH 4 dAt 2 mE?" - I used to laugh at these messages. Now, the constant occurance of these makes me cringe when I see I have a new inquiry. Just the thought of one of these popping up already has me visualizing forensic atrocities. You probably have at least 2 years of college under your belt, but still communicate like you have to type with your damn chin.

Motherfucker #2 - You're a special kind of fuck, you are. That dipshit that asks for 87 pictures, postal rates to 5 locations, "how does Paypal work?" - and on and on and on - which is all accommodated, and you just disappear. Fuck your butthole with a tractor, homeboy. Get it in there like a man, NO LUBE. If you don't have the decency to just say you're a broke bitch, or just don't like the price, see last sentence. I have plenty of other shit to do besides tedious projects you probably don't have the skills to accomplish yourself.

Motherfucker #3 - Haggling is a common, although not a necessary, practice at conventions and shows. Asking for price reductions or "bottom dollar" isn't always a bad thing...but...then comes the "well I saw ONE auction end for way lower, your price is too high" motherfucker. Guess what? Auctions are for buyers, or sellers who give no fuck about making (or LOSING) money online. That's not me. I keep a constant eye on the going sales, asking prices, all that shit. I'm also upfront about everything, and open to negotiating. I could bury you with statistics of my own device and formula, but you won't listen. Instead of saying something reasonable like "I only value this at x amount of dollars, can you negotiate?" you tear into how your friend's brother found one at a garage sale of some 80-year-old's for $4 and you also saw one sell on ebay (at auction, with an incorrect title) for only $20. That shit means nothing, and even fair offers cause you to huff like a lung blew out. If you already didn't like the price, you should have went back to licking your grandmother's feet so she will cook your next meal and tuck you in. SPECIAL NOTE: If you think this is actually an effective way to approach a seller, do this: When shopping for a house, tell the seller that you saw a house JUST LIKE the one you want sell for 2 grand at auction, even though it appraised at 95 thousand, and that you just don't feel comfortable paying full market value. See how that goes, put your eyes in a fire, and get back to me.

Motherfucker #4 - You stankin' ass, no-belt-wearing, never bathing, 3-tooth-having, ass-juice-smelling motherfucker. Toy shows and conventions already have an odd place in the mainstream media, and all you do is drive away people that kick major ass.  If the guy with 2 fingers and a missing arm and no legs can run around town smelling like he just got bathed by Beyonce and 6 Greek goddesses, your fucking blimp-shaped belly should be able to find a car wash station or SOMETHING to scrub the smell of Satan's balls off of you. The worst part? These fucks travel in PACKS, like God commanded the fattest, ugliest, dumbest fucking buffalos in the land to shit on each other for years before arriving in civilized places.  There's usually only 3 or 4, but that small group will eradicate ANY tolerable scent within the building for HOURS. Hell hath no fury like assholes unwashed.

Motherfucker #5 - Now, the previous 4 Motherfuckers noted are motherfuckers I have encountered numerous times in the past year. However, I have come across a new species of Fucktard Motherfucker lately - the rare, but immensely irritating, Box-Opening Son of a Fuck. Now, going to a toy show or convention is a great way for collectors to see in person and up close the figures they have been researching online, or have heard about. Loose items? Fuck it - pick it up, check it out, whatever. That's pretty standard. But then you come along, you fucking nosy piece of shit. "Oh, this box with a $100 item has no tape seal? I better open this bitch without asking, because I probably can't afford this shit if I drop or break it!!"  Seriously, what kind of fucking Hipster-raped-by-a-swan shit is this??? If I didn't already know how fucking stupid you must be, I would beat your face in until I heard a cash register ring every time I hit you. This type of motherfucker is the brain-dead uncle of another motherfucker:

Motherfucker #6 - The Molester Motherfucker. These puke stains touch EVERYTHING. Some kid's diaper in the trash? Better take it out and Instagram it...and then eat 78 orders of whatever fried food is at the joint, take a shit, not wash your hands, and THEN - TOUCH EVERY FUCKING TOY IN THAT BYATCH!! Every dealer in the room has heard the groaning and gagging of the people manning each table you have been to already, and have no escape. They can't hide, or just pack up and leave - but trust me, they want to. You don't buy anything. But you leave a piece of your fucking disgusting shit-eating soul all over every. single. thing. possible. Cuz you're just THAT fucking excited to be around other geeks!! Geeks are awesome!! But guess what? You're not a geek. You're the shit that would come out of an ogre if it ate a rhino carcass mixed with meth, and then slurped down 7 Bukkake and oil milkshakes.

 

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